I don’t think I ever really paid that much attention to how much I am affected by PMS until I accepted myself as a man. I’ve lived long enough with PMS and menstrual cycles that, like everything else female related in my life, I’d just learned to deal with it and pushed any thoughts of it into the darkest regions of my mind.
For some reason, this cycle affected me in a much different way. Once I realized what was happening and that I wasn’t going insane, I actually became angry. All these emotions flooded forward and I allowed myself to become angry about being trapped in this body and being forced to deal with periods, PMS, female hormones, large breasts and body image while all along I am a MAN! If I believed in a god I would have to give him credit for this most cruel and heartless joke!
Centered around this emotional overload were glimpses into myself that I hadn’t had before. All of a sudden, I realized how I had repressed so much for the sake of pleasing everyone else. It’s become a habit that I’m finding difficult to break. How do I find myself and be myself when all I know how to do is pretend to be somebody everybody else wants me to be? Where is the real me in all of this charade?
The more I thought about it, the more realizations came at me like harsh slaps in the face. Just the sight of my breasts has become enough to make me feel vile. My entire body is one giant birth defect and with each passing day I find it harder to suppress the real me and keep up the lie.
I actually “came out” the two guys I volunteer with at the LGBT Community Center. I didn’t think about it, it just came out. We were talking and the next think you know I’m telling them that I’m in therapy because I’m a guy and not a girl. They didn’t say anything…didn’t really acknowledge it. I have to wonder if I made them feel uncomfortable by sharing. I figured, what the hell — as gay men, if they can’t deal with my “coming out”, then who can!