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Untitled Short


I died the night she left me. The sting of her words was still burning in my head when I went to cross the street. I never saw the car coming. In an instant, I was lost.

I’ve spent two months hovering over my broken body. It’s true that the machines are what keep me alive, but my mind is still wide awake. My thoughts are clearer now than they ever have been.

I don’t remember the impact. That is a small blessing, to say the least. I do remember the pain though. Not the pain of having my body thrown over a hundred feet or the pain of my bones crackling as I hit the pavement. No, I’m talking about the pain of heartache. My body was just catching up with my heart.

I don’t blame her for giving up. I made too many mistakes. I took for granted that she would always be there – always be my wife. If my life’s lesson was to learn that it takes more than love – more than passion even, then I learned well. It takes more than love. It takes trust.

I’ve had plenty of time to think about the many mistakes I made while floating over my lifeless form. I’ve watched people come and go; some shocked by my disfigured body, others weeping as they say their last good-byes. Nobody thinks I am going to live, and perhaps I won’t. I was dead before that car ever struck me. I was dead the moment she let go.

There are no angels or demons here. No heaven or hell. It’s the same space I’ve inhabited all along. I don’t know what will happen if I let go. I could float off into a black void and simply cease to exist. I might discover the answers to the greatest questions ever imagined. More than likely, I think I will continue to be here, attached to a world that I can no longer hold claim to. My physical body would simply serve as food for the Earth and my conscience would be eternal. There are so many possibilities, but absolutely no assurances.

I hear her whispering to me at night. She fights me most just before sleep. I listen as she asks for my forgiveness or curses me for leaving her in this wretched world alone. I hear every single word.

I wish I could hold her, touch her, and reassure her that I am fine. But I’m not really fine at all, am I? Even if I were to make a miraculous recovery and return to the life I knew before the accident, I still wouldn’t be fine. I was fine when I knew she loved me. I was fine when she was by my side. I was fine when we dreamed about our future together. No, I’ll never again be fine.

I have to wonder if I’m holding on to this life just to be close to her. Is it more selfish of me to want to hang on to her than it is to cut myself off from my body? Am I not killing a part of her by giving up? Yes, I realize it’s that I’m selfish. I’ve always been selfish. If it weren’t for my selfishness she may still be my wife and I might not have walked in front of that car. If, if, if…all these ifs.

I acknowledge the severity of my crimes. I ask only for her forgiveness as each day I fade. I am beyond prayer and still no closer to God. There’s no penance for the guilty soul. I must let go and end these dreams of absolution. There’s no peace in delaying the inevitable. Now, be quiet my mind and deliver my soul.


Muddy Waters: A Dick Bender Mystery I



Dick sat at the kitchen table reading the morning beat. He read every story within the pages of The Globe. You have to keep on top of the news, he thought. He found his way to the daily crossword puzzle and methodically creased and folded the paper into a small bundle so that he could concentrate on the challenge at hand. He took a swig of his lukewarm coffee, touched the lead end of his pencil to the tip of his tongue and set out to defeat the world’s hardest puzzle. Just as he had started reading through each clue, a light rapping sound came from the front door. He looked at his watch — 5:30 a.m.  He answered the door and was greeted by a messenger.

“I have a telegram for Richard Bender, Sir”, the polite and neatly dressed messenger said.

“That would be me.” Dick signed, nodded and closed the door.

The telegraph paper was crisp and white. Dick knew the message had been delivered as soon as it had been typed out. Must be important, he thought, as he ran his index finger lightly around the envelopes edges before opening it.


 To: Richard Bender, 1419 Randolph Street

From: S. E. Williams, The Globe, Inc., 272 White Avenue

Dear Richard,

I have a new assignment for you. I have just received word of new developments in the French Broad River murder cases. The locals are being quite mum about the details and the FBI has been sent in for further manpower. Use your connections in the Bureau and break this story wide open. All arrangements have been made. You will be traveling with an assistant who will meet you at the train station for departure at 6:15 a.m. sharp.

Best, Silas


Dick checked his watch again – 5:49 a.m. He whisked by the kitchen table and gulped the last of his cold coffee and then began the task of throwing necessities into a bag. He didn’t mind the assignment, actually, he welcomed it. It would help take his mind off the recent split with Jane, the blonde bombshell in the office who used and abused him for all her sexual needs and then spit him out like a piece of fatty meat when she was finished with him. He stopped for a moment, caught up in the thought of how it had all ended. He burrowed his forehead, growing angry with himself for allowing Jane to manipulate his heart. He turned toward the nightstand where he still kept a photo of them together. He slammed the photo down, then shook himself out of that moment. He picked up the phone receiver and called for a cab.

By the time the cab had arrived, Dick had managed to finish off a couple of slices of buttery toast and a half glass of milk. He grabbed the newspaper, pencil and a red delicious apple from his fruit bowl and headed outside to greet the cabbie and his insistent horn. The cabbie looked Dick over, obviously aggravated that he had to wait. Dick slid into the back seat and closed the door.

“Amtrak, please.”

6:06 a.m. Dick walked toward the nearest check-in booth. He had almost reached the attendant when he heard his name called. He turned, and was met by a frantically waving Trixie. Dick looked around for a moment while Trixie caught her breath.

“Betcha didn’t expect to see me here, did ya handsome?” Trixie smiled, lighting a cigarette.

“Trixie, what are you doing here?! Shouldn’t you be at…”

“The boss man told me to be your assistant for this trip. He said you’d need my help honey”, she puffed, coughing lightly.

Dick looked down at his perfectly polished loafers, let out a long breath and returned his gaze to Trixie.

“Trixie, there must have been a mistake. Why would Silas send you?”

Trixie stood still a moment, staring at Dick, then flipped her head to the side in a motion as if she had really long hair and hair that wasn’t pinned to a wig. A well-defined pout came upon her distorted red-painted lips and her hand fell against her hip.

“Riiichard Beeender”, she said, “who do you think you are?! He sent me because I’m good honey, and don’t you ever forget it! And another thing, he sent ME because I’m a tranny and those poor dead women were tranny’s too! Don’t you get all high and mighty on me, DICK. Just you remember, we come from the same mold, ‘cept yours is male and mine’s female!”

Trixie flicked the long ash from her cigarette while tapping her toe in her red pumps waiting on Dick to respond. He let out a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry Trix. I didn’t mean it to sound that way. Just do me a favor please? Put those cigarettes away! They are killing my allergies already and they stink!”

Trixie puffed quickly on her last cigarette before boarding the train. Dick had already found his seat and pulled out the mornings crossword before she stumbled clumsily down the aisle and plopped down beside him.

“No first class for the high-class, I reckon”, she said, shoving Dentine chewing gum into her mouth. “Gum?” she offered. Dick shook his head and set about to attack the crossword.

“Soooo, I heard you and Jane broke off. What’s her problem anyway? You’re a good-looking transman, Dick. That bitch is crazy anyway”, she laughed, patting Dicks shoulder.

Dick tried to ignore her, but the sound of her voice began to twist in his head until finally, he asked the attendant for a pillow so that he could catch a nap before their late afternoon arrival. He drifted off with Trixie’s play by-play of all the office gossip.



Dick & Jane – The Climax

Dick and Jane had composed themselves by the time the driver had arrived at Jane’s apartment complex. Jane opened her compact, reapplying her lipstick as she waited for the driver to open her door. The moonlight illuminated Jane’s smile as she graciously accepted the driver’s hand. Dick followed in suit, nodding to the driver, an unsaid agreement that he should wait while Dick saw Jane to the door.

The hallway light exposed Dick’s tussled hair. Jane ran her fingers through his hair in an attempt to hide evidence of an indiscreet encounter. “This is certainly turning out to be the most memorable Valentine’s Day of my life,” Jane chuckled, still playing with Dick’s curls. “Jane, I…” Dick started. This time, it was Jane who placed her index finger against his full lips. “Are you going to let the driver stand out there all night Dickie, or are you going to make me sleep alone?”

Dick tipped his hat to the driver who then climbed into the warmth of the car with another story to tell and drove away. Jane stood just inside the doorway holding her hand out to him. He reached for her, following her like a devoted puppy, closing the door behind them. The darkness of the room made it easier for Dick to pull Jane into him, turning her back against the door and pressing hard against her. She tossed his hat into the unknown as his mouth crushed against hers, his hands running up the outsides of her thighs as she wrapped herself around him.

They fumbled through the darkness, losing their clothing along the way until at last, their bodies pressed against her bed. Dick felt primal as he turned her away from him, leaning her over the side of the bed, his constant erection pressing against her. He leaned over her, his mouth moving up her back toward her shoulder as he positioned himself. Jane bumped back against him, a high pitched moan escaping her as he slammed into her, his teeth pressing into her tender flesh.

Jane reached forward, grasping for the soft cotton sheets as Dick continued to pound her. Dick became more aroused with her moans; leaving light bites all down her back as he felt her juices dripping from his cock back against his groin. He delighted in her pleasure, finding himself nearing orgasm as the speed of their dance increased. He reached around her, fondling her breasts, tugging and teasing her nipples until she let out a loud cry. His own climax occurred directly after hers, his eyes rolling as he growled against her sweaty skin.