Tag Archives: Pronouns

Living with the Enemy

I’ve come to understand that a large part of my journey is about healing. Any type of change is scary for me, so that also means the healing process can be terrifying. Every day I search for that part of myself that is the strongest. I need to be strong not only to face the road ahead, but to deal with the bullshit of the past.

I’m a very private person and rarely share information about my private, offline life, online, especially since there’s a big part of my real life that isn’t connected to my online world. My current living situation is less than desirable. My fellow housemate and I have been part of each others lives in one capacity or another for the last 17.5 years. Yes, that’s a long time!

At one time, this woman was my best friend, my lover and my confidant. We’ve had major up’s and down’s over the years but have still managed to be part of each others lives. In other words, we overlook the things about each other that drive the other nuts so that we’re not alone. It’s been dysfunctional for some time and now it’s become toxic.

I’m moving out from behind my protective wall by exposing so much of myself in this blog. This has become a space for me to get things off my chest and try to process them. My therapist says, and I agree, that I tend to hold things in and shut down, which isn’t doing me any good. So I’m vomiting everything out on these pages in an attempt to work through things and move past them.

This post came about thanks to Chaz Bono. As a fellow transman, I respect Chaz and his decision to transition. I understand the difficulties he has surely had throughout his life, as I’ve had them too. I feel a strange connection to Chaz because we’re the same age, just months apart. I’ve watched her grow from a tiny girl into a handsome man, and I see him as an inspiration for me.

A commercial came on the television last night. There was Chaz looking at an interview with Cher talking about her reaction to the transformation, etc. I came into the living room in the middle of this and mentioned that I was bummed I hadn’t seen the entire thing. This started a “riff”.

When I see other people’s faces scrunch up in disgust and hear such heated hatred spew from their mouths about Chaz Bono, I think to myself, it’s not Chaz you’re pissed at — it’s me!

The housemate went on to get angry, calling Chaz “selfish” and a “brat” because “she” didn’t consider that other people (Cher) would be mourning the loss of a daughter, and that “she” was born a female and therefore that’s how she’s refer to “her” as.

Now, it’s important that I note here that I would normally have been emotionally distraught over this and felt¬† such terror inside. Terror, why? Because the boat is rocking, because of insecurity, because of fear of persecution, because of fear of being alone, because, because, because…

This time, however, I spoke up, stating that I was proud of Chaz for being himself. I also pointed out how narrow-minded and prejudiced it was to refer to Chaz in female form when he is clearly a man! I was pissed, and it felt good to feel angry! There’s nothing I can do to change her mind, and I’m not even going to try. She has a prejudice against transgendered persons because deep within she knows that I am transgendered and she sees that as my choice.

What get’s me is that she’s a lesbian and has fought for years against stereotypes thrown at gay people about choosing to be gay. She should understand that transgendered people don’t choose to be born into the wrong body!¬† But then again, this comes from the same woman who recognizes my “man core” and who begged me to go to therapy, not to help me find out who I am and make appropriate changes, but to get “fixed”. She opened up that can of worms and now she’s pissed because it’s not going the way she expected.

It’s so odd to me that someone who claims to love you so much wouldn’t want the best for you. And yes, I am being selfish — for the first time in my entire life I am being ME. I refuse to go on in this life lying about who I am for the sake of anybody’s feelings. All I’ve done in the process is hurt myself and dig myself into a larger hole. I want out of the hole. I want to be free and I want to live!

Every day that goes by, I have less and less patience. While at first I was terrified at the thought of having to find a new place to live and drag my pets through hell, but now each day is harder and I want to be there less and less.

As my therapist says, something has to move…I need to move!


What’s age got to do with it?!

I remember when President Bill Clinton signed DADT. I watched Ellen DeGeneres come out on her then popular sitcom, Ellen. I still have a copy of Time magazine with Ellen on the cover proclaiming, “Yep, I’m Gay!” KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge were all the rage when I first came out. That was almost 20 years ago.

I took a break from the LGBT community for years. I came to a place where I accepted myself as a lesbian and did not want to segregate myself from everyone else. I preferred to be in the company of straight and bisexual people who completely accepted me for who I am. I found many in the LGBT community to be exclusive and have a disgust for straight people. It didn’t fit with me, so I distanced myself from it.

It wasn’t until I found myself back in college due to having my job shipped off to India that I began to attempt to reconnect with the LGBT community. A friend of mine suggested I join Twitter, which is where I have had the most success at connecting with and exploring the expanded horizons of what I had missed in those years outside the community. So many things have changed — for the better!

I like to think that if most people I interact with online knew my age, they wouldn’t believe me. I’ve always been a kid at heart. I feel and look much younger than I am — a bonus — and I tend to feel most comfortable with people who are younger than I am. I have been fortunate enough to connect with people via Twitter that I am learning about all the new possibilities available to me. It’s an exciting time for me!

My biggest challenge thus far is finding people who are closer to my age. There are tons of tweens and most of them think people my age are ancient lol. When I came out, I had never heard of genderqueer, FTM or preferred pronouns. I now identify as genderqueer — I am male mentally and female physically. In other words, I’m a male in a female body. I do not consider myself to be “trapped” in this body. I enjoy this body, and, I have options available to me today to change my physical body through surgery if I should ever want that. Thing is, I don’t want that, so I do not identify as FTM although I am fascinated by the transition taken on by so many.

A Twitter friend asked my preferred pronoun yesterday and I was so elated that I felt like a child lol. It was the first time someone had ever asked me that and for me it was huge! It meant that someone else recognized that I may not identify as female although I have this girly body. It meant that someone else respected me enough to ask. I had no idea what to say, other than to thank her. I had never though about pronouns. I have certainly read about gender neutral pronouns, but had never connected that to myself. So, last night, I did some research. I ended up feeling most comfortable with the pronoun ze instead of he or she. It’s one more step in my expanding identity and it feels amazing!