I’ve come to understand that a large part of my journey is about healing. Any type of change is scary for me, so that also means the healing process can be terrifying. Every day I search for that part of myself that is the strongest. I need to be strong not only to face the road ahead, but to deal with the bullshit of the past.
I’m a very private person and rarely share information about my private, offline life, online, especially since there’s a big part of my real life that isn’t connected to my online world. My current living situation is less than desirable. My fellow housemate and I have been part of each others lives in one capacity or another for the last 17.5 years. Yes, that’s a long time!
At one time, this woman was my best friend, my lover and my confidant. We’ve had major up’s and down’s over the years but have still managed to be part of each others lives. In other words, we overlook the things about each other that drive the other nuts so that we’re not alone. It’s been dysfunctional for some time and now it’s become toxic.
I’m moving out from behind my protective wall by exposing so much of myself in this blog. This has become a space for me to get things off my chest and try to process them. My therapist says, and I agree, that I tend to hold things in and shut down, which isn’t doing me any good. So I’m vomiting everything out on these pages in an attempt to work through things and move past them.
This post came about thanks to Chaz Bono. As a fellow transman, I respect Chaz and his decision to transition. I understand the difficulties he has surely had throughout his life, as I’ve had them too. I feel a strange connection to Chaz because we’re the same age, just months apart. I’ve watched her grow from a tiny girl into a handsome man, and I see him as an inspiration for me.
A commercial came on the television last night. There was Chaz looking at an interview with Cher talking about her reaction to the transformation, etc. I came into the living room in the middle of this and mentioned that I was bummed I hadn’t seen the entire thing. This started a “riff”.
When I see other people’s faces scrunch up in disgust and hear such heated hatred spew from their mouths about Chaz Bono, I think to myself, it’s not Chaz you’re pissed at — it’s me!
The housemate went on to get angry, calling Chaz “selfish” and a “brat” because “she” didn’t consider that other people (Cher) would be mourning the loss of a daughter, and that “she” was born a female and therefore that’s how she’s refer to “her” as.
Now, it’s important that I note here that I would normally have been emotionally distraught over this and felt such terror inside. Terror, why? Because the boat is rocking, because of insecurity, because of fear of persecution, because of fear of being alone, because, because, because…
This time, however, I spoke up, stating that I was proud of Chaz for being himself. I also pointed out how narrow-minded and prejudiced it was to refer to Chaz in female form when he is clearly a man! I was pissed, and it felt good to feel angry! There’s nothing I can do to change her mind, and I’m not even going to try. She has a prejudice against transgendered persons because deep within she knows that I am transgendered and she sees that as my choice.
What get’s me is that she’s a lesbian and has fought for years against stereotypes thrown at gay people about choosing to be gay. She should understand that transgendered people don’t choose to be born into the wrong body! But then again, this comes from the same woman who recognizes my “man core” and who begged me to go to therapy, not to help me find out who I am and make appropriate changes, but to get “fixed”. She opened up that can of worms and now she’s pissed because it’s not going the way she expected.
It’s so odd to me that someone who claims to love you so much wouldn’t want the best for you. And yes, I am being selfish — for the first time in my entire life I am being ME. I refuse to go on in this life lying about who I am for the sake of anybody’s feelings. All I’ve done in the process is hurt myself and dig myself into a larger hole. I want out of the hole. I want to be free and I want to live!
Every day that goes by, I have less and less patience. While at first I was terrified at the thought of having to find a new place to live and drag my pets through hell, but now each day is harder and I want to be there less and less.
As my therapist says, something has to move…I need to move!