Tag Archives: Identity

Identity & Comfort Zones

My lesson for today:

It’s ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man.

Not that I didn’t already know that, but it must have been important enough that someone would point it out to me. For anyone who has been following my blog for a while, or for those who know me on a more personal level, you know that I have been struggling for some time with identity. It’s far more than the questions of who am I? or where do I belong?, but also, am I in the right body? 

Ever since I was a tiny child, I remember imagining myself to be a boy. I liked girls, therefore logically, I’m a boy. That seemed to suffice for a young me. Now, as I get older, I’ve begun dissecting myself and my life in order to find that place where I can feel a sense of peace within.

One thing is certain and has never changed: I am attracted to women! I love women! Women do it for  me! The only attractions I’ve ever had to men were more of wow, I wish I looked like him.

Another certainty, I love masculinity. I love dressing in men’s clothing and looking like a man. I am most comfortable in my own skin when I look and feel masculine. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have feminine qualities. Sometimes I feel as if I am more comfortable with my own femininity the more masculine I look. When I look in the mirror, I am much happier with the masculine me.

I’ve always rebelled against labels, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted to “fit” somewhere and realize that in most cases, labels are important in finding others of like mind. For a long time I referred to myself as a lesbian. Other terms were harder for me to swallow. After I’d just come out, words like “dyke” or “butch” seemed offensive to me. Now, I find them to be power words.  It is the same with “FTM” or “Transman”. I turned away from expressing myself using these words because of my own fears about myself. Now I embrace them.

Yes, it is ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man. And yes (!), it’s alright for a transman to decide he doesn’t want to take hormones or have chest reconstruction surgery. Just the fact that I have come to terms with who I am, I am now slowly realizing that I don’t have to be anybody other than who I am. I don’t have to be like everyone else — I can be me!


What’s age got to do with it?!

I remember when President Bill Clinton signed DADT. I watched Ellen DeGeneres come out on her then popular sitcom, Ellen. I still have a copy of Time magazine with Ellen on the cover proclaiming, “Yep, I’m Gay!” KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge were all the rage when I first came out. That was almost 20 years ago.

I took a break from the LGBT community for years. I came to a place where I accepted myself as a lesbian and did not want to segregate myself from everyone else. I preferred to be in the company of straight and bisexual people who completely accepted me for who I am. I found many in the LGBT community to be exclusive and have a disgust for straight people. It didn’t fit with me, so I distanced myself from it.

It wasn’t until I found myself back in college due to having my job shipped off to India that I began to attempt to reconnect with the LGBT community. A friend of mine suggested I join Twitter, which is where I have had the most success at connecting with and exploring the expanded horizons of what I had missed in those years outside the community. So many things have changed — for the better!

I like to think that if most people I interact with online knew my age, they wouldn’t believe me. I’ve always been a kid at heart. I feel and look much younger than I am — a bonus — and I tend to feel most comfortable with people who are younger than I am. I have been fortunate enough to connect with people via Twitter that I am learning about all the new possibilities available to me. It’s an exciting time for me!

My biggest challenge thus far is finding people who are closer to my age. There are tons of tweens and most of them think people my age are ancient lol. When I came out, I had never heard of genderqueer, FTM or preferred pronouns. I now identify as genderqueer — I am male mentally and female physically. In other words, I’m a male in a female body. I do not consider myself to be “trapped” in this body. I enjoy this body, and, I have options available to me today to change my physical body through surgery if I should ever want that. Thing is, I don’t want that, so I do not identify as FTM although I am fascinated by the transition taken on by so many.

A Twitter friend asked my preferred pronoun yesterday and I was so elated that I felt like a child lol. It was the first time someone had ever asked me that and for me it was huge! It meant that someone else recognized that I may not identify as female although I have this girly body. It meant that someone else respected me enough to ask. I had no idea what to say, other than to thank her. I had never though about pronouns. I have certainly read about gender neutral pronouns, but had never connected that to myself. So, last night, I did some research. I ended up feeling most comfortable with the pronoun ze instead of he or she. It’s one more step in my expanding identity and it feels amazing!