Tag Archives: FTM

Identity & Comfort Zones

My lesson for today:

It’s ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man.

Not that I didn’t already know that, but it must have been important enough that someone would point it out to me. For anyone who has been following my blog for a while, or for those who know me on a more personal level, you know that I have been struggling for some time with identity. It’s far more than the questions of who am I? or where do I belong?, but also, am I in the right body? 

Ever since I was a tiny child, I remember imagining myself to be a boy. I liked girls, therefore logically, I’m a boy. That seemed to suffice for a young me. Now, as I get older, I’ve begun dissecting myself and my life in order to find that place where I can feel a sense of peace within.

One thing is certain and has never changed: I am attracted to women! I love women! Women do it for  me! The only attractions I’ve ever had to men were more of wow, I wish I looked like him.

Another certainty, I love masculinity. I love dressing in men’s clothing and looking like a man. I am most comfortable in my own skin when I look and feel masculine. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have feminine qualities. Sometimes I feel as if I am more comfortable with my own femininity the more masculine I look. When I look in the mirror, I am much happier with the masculine me.

I’ve always rebelled against labels, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted to “fit” somewhere and realize that in most cases, labels are important in finding others of like mind. For a long time I referred to myself as a lesbian. Other terms were harder for me to swallow. After I’d just come out, words like “dyke” or “butch” seemed offensive to me. Now, I find them to be power words.  It is the same with “FTM” or “Transman”. I turned away from expressing myself using these words because of my own fears about myself. Now I embrace them.

Yes, it is ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man. And yes (!), it’s alright for a transman to decide he doesn’t want to take hormones or have chest reconstruction surgery. Just the fact that I have come to terms with who I am, I am now slowly realizing that I don’t have to be anybody other than who I am. I don’t have to be like everyone else — I can be me!

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Catching Up

Finally! The semester is over! But I only have a week to breathe before I start the first half of summer classes. No rest for the wicked!!

This is a “catching up” post; nothing major.

I went for a follow-up with my medical doctor. Apparently I have high blood pressure problems. She also decided that a new anti-depressant was required (what, you’re not a Prozac slave??!!). And — yes, there’s an ‘and’– she set me up with a time next week to go in for some blood work to check my hormones. I’ve been having some very strange symptoms lately. She thinks I may be pre-menopausal as well. All I could think was what the fuck is going on with my body??!! (Insert my best attempt at a Scottish accent)

Needless to say, I went home with four (4!) new medications ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be healthy, but I have my suspicions about pharmaceuticals and conspiracy theories and …

Good news — I joined a gym! I know, I can’t believe it either, but, this very cool transguy I follow on Twitter was telling me that if I work out my breasts will shrink. That’s all it took! All these years of hiding from the gym and one simple statement had me signing on the dotted line the next day! Now, as I work on my upper body, I visualize my breasts shrinking. I’ve turned into a meditation of sorts and I feel good about it. There are other benefits to going to the gym of course. I’ll lose weight and gain muscle.

I’m halfway through “Stone Butch Blues” — incredible story! I can’t believe I had never heard of it before. My therapist recommended it, as well as a couple of books on FTM transition stories. Even though “Stone Butch Blues” is fiction, I see many aspects of myself in the main character, especially during the early childhood years. I keep thinking that there has to be some truth to this fiction. I wonder if it’s made up of the author’s personal experiences…

I bought Chaz Bono’s book today. I usually don’t buy books when they first come out because they’re priced so high. I am curious about what Chaz has to say. I read the inside cover and it was so me, so I bought it, along with a steampunk novel to help break up the many things flying out of my Pandora’s Box of late.

I’ve been extremely emotional lately. My therapist thinks that this is because I am opening doors that I’ve previously had padlocked. Perhaps she’s right. I’m not only dealing with the present, but the many pieces of my past and the best way to move into the future. I wonder how many other people she see’s who come in having no idea why they’re there and then early on realize that all they want is to be loved and accepted. I know I’m not alone in this and I am trying so hard to get all the muck out and deal with it so I can stop letting it haunt me. It’s not easy, but I’m really fucking tired of carrying it around. I want desperately to be “healthy” (whatever that is).


Living with the Enemy

I’ve come to understand that a large part of my journey is about healing. Any type of change is scary for me, so that also means the healing process can be terrifying. Every day I search for that part of myself that is the strongest. I need to be strong not only to face the road ahead, but to deal with the bullshit of the past.

I’m a very private person and rarely share information about my private, offline life, online, especially since there’s a big part of my real life that isn’t connected to my online world. My current living situation is less than desirable. My fellow housemate and I have been part of each others lives in one capacity or another for the last 17.5 years. Yes, that’s a long time!

At one time, this woman was my best friend, my lover and my confidant. We’ve had major up’s and down’s over the years but have still managed to be part of each others lives. In other words, we overlook the things about each other that drive the other nuts so that we’re not alone. It’s been dysfunctional for some time and now it’s become toxic.

I’m moving out from behind my protective wall by exposing so much of myself in this blog. This has become a space for me to get things off my chest and try to process them. My therapist says, and I agree, that I tend to hold things in and shut down, which isn’t doing me any good. So I’m vomiting everything out on these pages in an attempt to work through things and move past them.

This post came about thanks to Chaz Bono. As a fellow transman, I respect Chaz and his decision to transition. I understand the difficulties he has surely had throughout his life, as I’ve had them too. I feel a strange connection to Chaz because we’re the same age, just months apart. I’ve watched her grow from a tiny girl into a handsome man, and I see him as an inspiration for me.

A commercial came on the television last night. There was Chaz looking at an interview with Cher talking about her reaction to the transformation, etc. I came into the living room in the middle of this and mentioned that I was bummed I hadn’t seen the entire thing. This started a “riff”.

When I see other people’s faces scrunch up in disgust and hear such heated hatred spew from their mouths about Chaz Bono, I think to myself, it’s not Chaz you’re pissed at — it’s me!

The housemate went on to get angry, calling Chaz “selfish” and a “brat” because “she” didn’t consider that other people (Cher) would be mourning the loss of a daughter, and that “she” was born a female and therefore that’s how she’s refer to “her” as.

Now, it’s important that I note here that I would normally have been emotionally distraught over this and felt  such terror inside. Terror, why? Because the boat is rocking, because of insecurity, because of fear of persecution, because of fear of being alone, because, because, because…

This time, however, I spoke up, stating that I was proud of Chaz for being himself. I also pointed out how narrow-minded and prejudiced it was to refer to Chaz in female form when he is clearly a man! I was pissed, and it felt good to feel angry! There’s nothing I can do to change her mind, and I’m not even going to try. She has a prejudice against transgendered persons because deep within she knows that I am transgendered and she sees that as my choice.

What get’s me is that she’s a lesbian and has fought for years against stereotypes thrown at gay people about choosing to be gay. She should understand that transgendered people don’t choose to be born into the wrong body!  But then again, this comes from the same woman who recognizes my “man core” and who begged me to go to therapy, not to help me find out who I am and make appropriate changes, but to get “fixed”. She opened up that can of worms and now she’s pissed because it’s not going the way she expected.

It’s so odd to me that someone who claims to love you so much wouldn’t want the best for you. And yes, I am being selfish — for the first time in my entire life I am being ME. I refuse to go on in this life lying about who I am for the sake of anybody’s feelings. All I’ve done in the process is hurt myself and dig myself into a larger hole. I want out of the hole. I want to be free and I want to live!

Every day that goes by, I have less and less patience. While at first I was terrified at the thought of having to find a new place to live and drag my pets through hell, but now each day is harder and I want to be there less and less.

As my therapist says, something has to move…I need to move!