Tag Archives: Depression

Catching Up

Finally! The semester is over! But I only have a week to breathe before I start the first half of summer classes. No rest for the wicked!!

This is a “catching up” post; nothing major.

I went for a follow-up with my medical doctor. Apparently I have high blood pressure problems. She also decided that a new anti-depressant was required (what, you’re not a Prozac slave??!!). And — yes, there’s an ‘and’– she set me up with a time next week to go in for some blood work to check my hormones. I’ve been having some very strange symptoms lately. She thinks I may be pre-menopausal as well. All I could think was what the fuck is going on with my body??!! (Insert my best attempt at a Scottish accent)

Needless to say, I went home with four (4!) new medications ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be healthy, but I have my suspicions about pharmaceuticals and conspiracy theories and …

Good news — I joined a gym! I know, I can’t believe it either, but, this very cool transguy I follow on Twitter was telling me that if I work out my breasts will shrink. That’s all it took! All these years of hiding from the gym and one simple statement had me signing on the dotted line the next day! Now, as I work on my upper body, I visualize my breasts shrinking. I’ve turned into a meditation of sorts and I feel good about it. There are other benefits to going to the gym of course. I’ll lose weight and gain muscle.

I’m halfway through “Stone Butch Blues” — incredible story! I can’t believe I had never heard of it before. My therapist recommended it, as well as a couple of books on FTM transition stories. Even though “Stone Butch Blues” is fiction, I see many aspects of myself in the main character, especially during the early childhood years. I keep thinking that there has to be some truth to this fiction. I wonder if it’s made up of the author’s personal experiences…

I bought Chaz Bono’s book today. I usually don’t buy books when they first come out because they’re priced so high. I am curious about what Chaz has to say. I read the inside cover and it was so me, so I bought it, along with a steampunk novel to help break up the many things flying out of my Pandora’s Box of late.

I’ve been extremely emotional lately. My therapist thinks that this is because I am opening doors that I’ve previously had padlocked. Perhaps she’s right. I’m not only dealing with the present, but the many pieces of my past and the best way to move into the future. I wonder how many other people she see’s who come in having no idea why they’re there and then early on realize that all they want is to be loved and accepted. I know I’m not alone in this and I am trying so hard to get all the muck out and deal with it so I can stop letting it haunt me. It’s not easy, but I’m really fucking tired of carrying it around. I want desperately to be “healthy” (whatever that is).

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Arg! More Snow!

I admit it — I’ve been procrastinating since my last blog post. Call it laziness, call it lack of motivation or even the ‘I don’t give a fuck’s’, whatever — shit happens! I’m not perfect — except in those few moments when my mind wanders off and I see myself in a different light…err…yeah, whatever!

Today should have been my first day back to school after the loooong, ungodly xmas break, but as luck would have it, a snow storm (something that’s very rare here!) happened to land here and the entire city is practically shut down. Mind you, the extra day being cooped up in the house doesn’t help with my depression. Cabin fever has set in and I am beginning to watch survivalist movies such as “Cold Mountain” and “Alive” in which my brain is beginning to trick me into thinking that if my neighbor dies that I may have to eat him in order to survive! Needless to say, I still have the ever-present creative imagination in full force.

Anyway, here’s a few pics of the new snow. Enjoy!