Category Archives: Musings

Identity & Comfort Zones

My lesson for today:

It’s ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man.

Not that I didn’t already know that, but it must have been important enough that someone would point it out to me. For anyone who has been following my blog for a while, or for those who know me on a more personal level, you know that I have been struggling for some time with identity. It’s far more than the questions of who am I? or where do I belong?, but also, am I in the right body? 

Ever since I was a tiny child, I remember imagining myself to be a boy. I liked girls, therefore logically, I’m a boy. That seemed to suffice for a young me. Now, as I get older, I’ve begun dissecting myself and my life in order to find that place where I can feel a sense of peace within.

One thing is certain and has never changed: I am attracted to women! I love women! Women do it for  me! The only attractions I’ve ever had to men were more of wow, I wish I looked like him.

Another certainty, I love masculinity. I love dressing in men’s clothing and looking like a man. I am most comfortable in my own skin when I look and feel masculine. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have feminine qualities. Sometimes I feel as if I am more comfortable with my own femininity the more masculine I look. When I look in the mirror, I am much happier with the masculine me.

I’ve always rebelled against labels, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted to “fit” somewhere and realize that in most cases, labels are important in finding others of like mind. For a long time I referred to myself as a lesbian. Other terms were harder for me to swallow. After I’d just come out, words like “dyke” or “butch” seemed offensive to me. Now, I find them to be power words.  It is the same with “FTM” or “Transman”. I turned away from expressing myself using these words because of my own fears about myself. Now I embrace them.

Yes, it is ok to be a woman who wants to look/act like a man. And yes (!), it’s alright for a transman to decide he doesn’t want to take hormones or have chest reconstruction surgery. Just the fact that I have come to terms with who I am, I am now slowly realizing that I don’t have to be anybody other than who I am. I don’t have to be like everyone else — I can be me!


Smut vs. Erotica

It’s 2:08 a.m. — yes! I can’t sleep although I’m exhausted. It’s like my body and brain have been taken over by some invisible force that demands I keep going. If I were a robot, I would be on the verge of explosion. These spurts of restlessness have to be caused by something, right? I could have adult ADHD – eek!

It just occurred to me that I haven’t written any erotica lately. Perhaps I need to broaden my horizons and zoom in on a new duo — or perhaps trio! I doubt it — the trio thing, I mean — I tend to focus on duos better 😉

There needs to be good erotica — classy erotica, not smut. Nothing wrong with smut though. Getting down and dirty is perfectly fine when the mood is fitting.

My characters, strangely enough, always seem to be monogamous. Not that I’m a player — quite the opposite! I would rather focus on the dynamics of a relationship. I think that comes from the idea society throws out that once we’re married or committed that the relationships grows boring in the bedroom. That’s certainly not the case for everyone! Why not create strong characters who get off all day at work thinking about fucking the hell out of their significant others?

Smut often has themes that can be geared toward violent fantasies. I guess there’s some connection between how graphic the story is and how it collaborates with your fantasies? That’s much harder for me to write. You can look at the 2 post evolution of Dick & Jane to see that! I prefer the mystery, the tease, if you will. I have enough dark fantasies to last me a lifetime so I want my characters to have some semblance of “normalcy”, whatever the hell that is!

Why am I writing about smut?? Eh, who knows!


New Projects

If you know me, then you already know that when I get in a creative spurt, that energy takes over everything to the point of exhaustion at times. I’ve been home with strep throat for a few days and in my restlessness I have managed to create a social network for transman, their partners/lovers and advocated, AND, as if that weren’t enough, a new transman magazine. Ask me when I am going to have time for all of this — go ahead. Not to worry, I will make times. This is important to me.

These projects, like most I start, will need more than just my energy. That being said, I am searching for others who may want to participate. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a couple of guys who are willing to pitch in. If all of this does what I want/hope it will, it will eventually generate money and community awareness.

If you’re curious, you can take a peek at the skeleton web mag at transmale.org. This is the online think tank where the ideas will flow, the words will dance, and all the magic will happen to bring the magazine together. From there, the magazine will be offered through Issuu for purchase as a downloadable digital file or in pretty print version. How exciting!

Before I say more, I guess I should give an idea of what the magazine is all about, right? Yeah, thought so!

TMQ | TransMale Quarterly is a magazine likened to GQ for transmen. This will be an informative, mature and entertaining look into the world seen through transgendered eyes. There will be regular contributions in areas such as Heath & Fitness, Sex Ed, News/Politics, Sports, Style, Erotica, Technology/Science, and Interviews with personal stories from people in the LGBT community. I also want a section for the partners/lovers of transmen! There will be photography, short stories, poetry and art. Plus plenty of reviews — everything from movies, books and music to sex toys, binders and packers!

Whew, that’s a lot of content! BTW, if anyone would be interested in contributing to this project, please let me know. I’m seeking professional and personal insight!

Ok, now on to the social network. Did I mention that I do things really big?? Yeah, a small creative flaw of mine. Go figure!

TransMale Network is a social network much like Facebook for transmen, their partners/lovers and advocates. If you identify as any of those, please, please, please join me there. Currently, it’s just me and Arden, but we’re holding down the fort nonetheless!

All of this started when I decided I wanted to move this blog to a private server. Now that I’m there, I think I prefer it here better, so I’m going to just point that domain here. I already have trusted followers here, so I’m staying here! Woot!

After all of that, you’d wonder if I had time to recover. Well, I’m feeling better, so that’s a good thing. I may be out of it for another day or so, but at least I’ve been productive during my illness!